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Finding a mentor means identifying someone further along your path who can offer guidance, perspective, and support as you navigate career or life decisions. Good mentors share wisdom from experience, help you avoid common mistakes, and often open doors you didn’t know existed. The key isn’t finding a famous mentor— it’s finding someone whose journey resonates with where you want to go.
When I was in college, I asked one of my professors to be my guide, my mentor. It felt important for me to find someone in that specific role. He said he couldn’t do that. He only formally guided his teaching assistants. But, he offered, we could get breakfast every other week or so. I was bummed. I really wanted that kind of supportive figure, and it took a lot of courage for me to ask.
In spite of my disappointment, I accepted his breakfast offer. We met nearly every other week over the course of a year. He even had me over to his house a few times. For the past decade, we’ve stayed connected. We don’t keep up regularly, but I know I could call him if I needed something.
Everyone wants that guiding figure. The desire for older, experienced wisdom runs deep. It’s almost primal. The Hero’s Journey speaks to this: As the hero leaves the known and enters into the unknown, she meets an advisor who helps her face the challenges of her quest.
These supportive individuals help us navigate the unknowns of life and work. But these relationships rarely ever look the way we think they should. Most of us picture someone offering dedicated one-on-one time. We think of this role as some sort of formalized relationship with a close friend who is older and more experienced than we are. That’s what I thought it meant when I asked that professor. And that’s also how he seemed to think about it as well – a very specific, almost contractual understanding.
But now I’m in my mid-thirties and have never had that kind of formal, capital “M” Mentor. I could feel sad about this and lament that I’m not worthy of such guidance. I could also feel angry about it and defiantly say that I don’t need that kind of support and that I’ll show everyone what I can do without one. Or I can realize the places in my life where there have been kind and generous voices helping me take the next step.
The truth is that though I’ve never had what most people picture when they think of a “mentor,” I’ve had many guiding influences. Though it has never looked the way I thought it should, I’ve had many experienced people who I have learned from at different moments in my life. Though that professor back in college may have had some students with whom he had a very defined guiding relationship, when I think about the connection we had, it possessed many of the characteristics of a truly valuable developmental relationship.
What Makes a Developmental Relationship Meaningful?
There are a few hallmarks of a supportive, growth-oriented relationship. Most such connections will possess some of these attributes, and few will have all of them. It’s helpful to think through this list and see what is true of your own valuable relationships.
1. They are more experienced. This almost goes without saying. It’s the basis of the connection. This person is someone who is further down the path. They are often older than you, but not always.
2. They teach you something. More than just experience, a source of wisdom offers you guidance and insight. They help you navigate places you’ve haven’t been before in your life and career.
3. They are available (in moments of need). There are times when you need guidance, and this individual is someone you can turn to. It usually comes in small doses — a few minutes here and there, and in seasons— a handful of conversations during a time when you need help with something specific.
4. They are invested in you. Finally, a true guiding influence is someone who wants to see you succeed. She’s in your corner rooting for you.
Reconsidering the “I’ve Never Had a Mentor” Narrative
Notice what’s not on the list: any sort of rigidly formalized relationship or mandatory close friend status—which is exactly how many people conceptualize this role. There is nothing wrong with a formalized, close guiding relationship, but they’re incredibly rare and often unnecessary. In fact, if that specific structure is what you’re looking for, you will miss most opportunities for genuine guidance.
It would be easy for me to say that I’ve never had a “mentor” because I’ve never had this type of formal relationship. And based on that narrow view, that would be true. But it’s also true that if I expand my understanding to include the list of characteristics above, I’ve had more sources of wisdom and guidance than I can count.
I want to invite you to expand the way you think about yourself, your life, and the people who guide you. Instead of one singular person who invests in you deeply in a prescribed way, consider all the people from whom you learn as fulfilling a mentoring capacity. Instead of one relationship that is an inch wide and a mile deep, think about the many relationships that offer a mile of breadth, even though some may only be an inch deep.
In fact, having more sources of guidance is healthier than just a few. I have people in my life from whom I’d ask questions about business but not parenting, finances but not creativity, emotional health but not career-change, etc. No single person is an expert in all areas of life. By having many advisors, you have the opportunity to play to their strengths. Instead of trying to find one person to be your one-and-only guide, find people to learn from in smaller, more adaptable ways— which is much more realistic and manageable.
In fact, you likely already have some of these supportive figures in place.
Who Are Your Sources of Guidance?
My own guiding influences include friends, business people from many different contexts (co-working spaces, friend groups, church, etc.), therapists, professors, coaches, authors, podcasters, bloggers, friend’s parents, past managers, and even my old landlord. Who are yours?
Four Categories of Guiding Influences
You can think about these valuable connections in four categories:
1. People you know personally. This is the typical image— someone you can call on the phone, have coffee with, or ask for a few minutes from now and then. Some of the work of finding support is expanding your network to include more people that you know personally.
2. People you don’t know personally (but learn from). This is the broadest way to think about receiving guidance, but we shouldn’t ignore it. You can learn so much from people you haven’t met. There are some authors, bloggers, and podcasters who have shaped the way I think about the world and I’ve never met them. Who are the guiding voices you’ve never met?
3. People that you work for and with. Work is a great context for learning from others. You learn so much from someone when you’re working with and for them. I have a couple of friends who use this idea to guide their career. At every junction, they ask, “Who is doing something interesting and how can I work with or for them?” I’ve learned so much about management and business operations from the bosses I’ve had (some more than others). When you spend 40 hours a week with someone, you have the chance to learn a lot from the people around you.
4. People that you** pay for their expertise.** Yes. You can pay for guidance. In fact, if you’re trying to do something at a high level, you should consider paying for expert advice. In the photography world, this is well understood.
Many established photographers offer “Mentor Sessions” and workshops where you can learn how they work and ask them questions. These opportunities not only provide valuable insights into the photography business but also facilitate a supportive community where emerging talents can thrive.
Many of these guides will even share their annual review step-by-step process, guiding aspiring photographers in evaluating their growth and setting new goals. By participating in these sessions, students can gain the confidence and knowledge needed to refine their craft and chart a successful path in the industry.
Similarly, top athletes pay their coaches. Business executives pay their consultants. Businesses pay their boards of directors. It’s ok to pay for the guidance that you need. If it’s a coach, pay for a coach. If it’s a therapist, pay for a therapist. If it’s a class with an educator that you want to learn from, pay for that class.
These people fit all of the requirements: they’re experienced, they can teach you, they’re available (because you’re compensating them for their time), and they’re invested in your success (as their reputation and potentially ongoing work with you depends on it).
Try this: search online for whatever it is that you’re trying to do, followed by the word “coach” or “consultant.” You’ll be surprised what you’ll find. From business development to creative pursuits, specialized guidance is often just a search away.
How to Find a Mentor (step-by-step)
How to Connect with Potential Sources of Guidance (Step-by-Step)
The most important rule when it comes to seeking out these supportive relationships is this: don’t make it weird.
Too often, the desire to find a guiding figure comes from a sense of fear or insecurity that we have. We want someone to do something that no single person can do— solve all our uncertainty, doubt, and fear. We want someone to help us, care for us, and sometimes, even parent us.
Hear me out: this is a good desire. It speaks to the parts of ourselves that are young. By that, I mean unpracticed, undeveloped, or simply vulnerable. We yearn for a supportive presence that will care for us the way a good parent does. Hopefully, you were parented well and can know what that feels like. But many of us have gaps in that experience because no parent is perfect.
If you approach a stranger (or even a loose acquaintance) with all your desire and hopes for someone to hold your hand and guide you through every step, you’ll likely come across too strong. It places an immense, often unspoken, pressure on the other person.
Find a guiding influence, step-by-step… Download the free worksheet that accompanies this post!
Temper all of that and try this process instead:
Step 1: Set realistic expectations for yourself and the relationship. So the first step is to spend some time with your desire for this kind of support and understand what that’s really about for you. You shouldn’t go into any relationship with the expectation that the other person can or will “fix” you (which sounds like a good motto for all relationships, frankly!). Understand that guidance is a collaborative process.
Step 2: Determine what specific insights or help you’re looking for. Next, it’s good to understand what you’re seeking. What specific challenge are you trying to solve? What particular area do you need help with? Is it a skill, a perspective, navigating a specific industry, or overcoming a particular mindset block? Then think about who in your existing network (or among those you admire from afar) has some expertise or experience in that field.
Step 3: Connect – casually and with clear, light intention. This is very important: once you have identified someone, do NOT ask them to be your “mentor” in a grand, sweeping sense. Instead, ask them to connect. Keep it very informal. If it’s someone you know, suggest a brief coffee or a quick call. If it’s someone you admire but don’t know, engage with their work thoughtfully, and perhaps then send a concise, respectful email asking a specific question or for a very brief chat about a particular topic they are an expert in. Come with some well-thought-out questions related to your specific need (from Step 2), and aim to have a nice, mutually respectful conversation. Your goal is an exchange, not an extraction.
Step 4: Follow-up thoughtfully. Afterward, always follow up with a genuine thank you. Reference something specific you found helpful from the conversation. If you feel a natural rapport was built and you have more questions that feel appropriate for a subsequent, brief discussion on the topic you’re exploring, consider connecting again in a few weeks or months. Judge this by their initial responsiveness and the nature of your interaction.
Step 5: Keep it organic and reciprocal (where appropriate). From here, you need to let the relationship develop with organic intentionality. What’s important is that you don’t make it weird (remember rule #1!). People are busy! Don’t ask them to be your best friend. Don’t invite them to your birthday party or suggest you go on vacation together after one coffee! That’s often too much, too soon for a professional or nascent guiding relationship. Just try to be a genuine connection. Try to be helpful to them if there’s any way you authentically can be (perhaps you have a skill or resource that could benefit them, or you can share their work if appropriate). Think in terms of mutual respect and, where possible, mutual value, even if that value is simply you applying their advice well and letting them know.
Related Reading
Final Thoughts and a Challenge
If you’re still reading, first— thanks. That was a lot! And second, I hope you’ve had some breakthroughs in how you perceive guidance and support. By now, you may have realized two things:
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You probably have more sources of wisdom and guidance in your life than you initially thought.
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There are plenty of opportunities to cultivate more of these supportive connections.
Expanding my own understanding of what constitutes a “mentor” has been very freeing for me. It allows me to recognize how many great people I’ve had in my life over the years and all the ways that they have taught me, guided me, and offered invaluable perspectives. It helps me see that while I don’t have a singular capital “M” Mentor in that classic, formalized sense, I have many great relationships and resources I can turn to when I need them. It invites me to lean into and leverage the connections that I have rather than lamenting the ones I do not.
One final challenge before you go: if you take the idea of receiving guidance and support seriously, you should also be thinking about the ways you offer your own experience and wisdom to others. You cannot expect people to generously give to you unless you are also looking for opportunities to “pay it forward” in your own way, to those who might be a few steps behind you on a particular path.
I’d like to hear from you: what kinds of guiding relationships do you have in your life? How did you begin those connections? What have you learned from them, and how do you, in turn, offer support to others? Share your thoughts in the comments below. Sources and related content
What Makes a Developmental Relationship Meaningful? Guidance on: what makes a developmental relationship meaningful?
Reconsidering the “I’ve Never Had a Mentor” Narrative Guidance on: reconsidering the “i’ve never had a mentor” narrative
Who Are Your Sources of Guidance? Guidance on: who are your sources of guidance?
Four Categories of Guiding Influences Guidance on: four categories of guiding influences
How to Find a Mentor (step-by-step) Guidance on: how to find a mentor (step-by-step)
How to Connect with Potential Sources of Guidance (Step-by-Step) Guidance on: how to connect with potential sources of guidance (step-by-step)
Final Thoughts and a Challenge Guidance on: final thoughts and a challenge
How do I find a mentor?
Start within your existing network: colleagues, former teachers, industry contacts. Attend events in your field and follow up with people whose work inspires you. Be specific about what you need. Consider paid coaching if informal mentorship isn’t available. Mentors often appear when you actively pursue growth.
What should I look for in a mentor?
Look for someone who: has achieved something you aspire to, shares your core values, is genuinely interested in your growth, can be honest with you, and has time to invest. Chemistry matters— you need someone you can be vulnerable with.
How do I ask someone to be my mentor?
Don’t lead with ‘Will you be my mentor?’ Instead, ask for specific help: ‘Could I get 20 minutes of your time to discuss X?’ Let the relationship develop naturally. Show you value their time by being prepared and following through on their advice.
Can you have multiple mentors?
Yes, and it’s often ideal. Different mentors offer different perspectives. You might have one for career strategy, another for technical skills, and another for life wisdom. A ‘personal board of directors’ approach gives you well-rounded guidance.
Find a mentor, step-by-step...
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